It seems the current investigation into police corruption in Victoria has nothing on the problems facing New Delhi. I like the idea of going to South East Asia or even the subcontinent just to see those cute little monkeys that steal your wallet. How can you get mad at something small and furry? We’ve all seen Disney’s Aladdin, right? How cool was Abu?

Well, it seems life with monkeys is getting a whole lot rougher in New Delhi, with gangs marauding the city and terrorising the population. Weekend violence saw one woman seriously injured and a couple dozen people requiring medical attention in what was called a ‘rampage’ by a gang of three or four monkeys. Hold on a minute. How many people are crammed into Delhi? Fourteen million at last count? And you can’t deal with three or four monkeys on a rampage? I can appreciate there are religious significances attached to monkeys in Hinduism, but surely you need to teach a vengeful god some manners from time to time?

I wonder if they have factions, like East-side and West-side? Perhaps they’re trying to move huge quantities of coke/speed and the people are making life difficult? Personally, if I were a monkey with a whole heap of drugs, I’d be trying to sell them to the people… that assumes I am a monkey and that I have a whole heap of drugs to sell, and that I would want to sell drugs. Not that I would because selling drugs is bad. Very bad. I’d rather sell bananas.

While the Delhi Metro train service ‘hired’ a larger monkey to scare off the little ones after a monkey boarded a train and scowled at passengers for three stops (a truly harrowing experience, I’m sure), it has become quite clear, to me at least, how the good people of Delhi can deal with their monkey menace: someone needs to go undercover to sow the seeds of discord. Or perhaps a gang member can be captured and turned under interrogation? If it could work in Goodfellas I see no reason for it not to work here. Regardless, if you happen to find yourself in Delhi on the wrong side of a monkey 4-on-1, check out this guide for dealing with monkey attacks.

But sometimes it would be nice to have a little forewarning. You might have a cool party to go to, or perhaps a hot date that’s a certain score. Maybe you have heaps of washing to do. No friends. No girlfriend(s). No life. Who wants an inconvenience like death interrupting something like that?

A while ago I posted a death notice on the ‘house. The Daydreamer didn’t really see the lighter side of it all but now he’ll have his own. PAYBACK’S A BITCH!

I can’t remember where I found this link, but there is an iPod Death Clock so you can discover when your beloved should (theoretically) become your dearly departed. So it is with a certain amount of humility that I now post the outlook for my trusted Nano…

Daydreamer, I’ll see you in seven months for a wake. Just make sure you get back in the kitchen and bake me some pie!

I know this has become a Mac forum, but there is something else gnawing away at me, and not in a good way.

You Melbournians who read this will probably think I am a disloyal Melbourne native when you read what I have to say about the AFL.

Although born and raised in Melbourne, I have never admired the AFL or anyone associated with it besides a few standouts like Jim Stynes.

What person in their right mind would let their kids go to an Auskick session with a bunch of immature bogan criminals like the current bunch of yobbos we call footballers?

The thing that really bothers me though, is that they sometimes get caught, but rather than be made an example of, they receive light sentences, if any punishment at all.

Geelong defender David Johnson escaped conviction over a drunken scuffle with police on Grand Final eve because he is “Geelong defender David Johnson”.

Former St Kilda and Brisbane Lions footballer Steven Lawrence was FINED $5000 and AVOIDED a conviction over a drunken pub brawl. St Kilda forward Fraser Gehrig and Brownlow medallists Michael Voss and Simon Black were also involved in the bar fight and like Lawrence have also avoided conviction.

And who could forget good old Benny Cousins? He should have been forced to go to some sort of boot camp style rehab centre here. Give him to Judge Judy and see what she says. If he is allowed to play the game again, the AFL has no regard for public morals and its followers.

Normal people, actual members of society, would be (and are) dealt with far more harshly. A brownlow medal only means you can kick a pig gut in a paddock with prowess than the other Neanderthals around you. It doesn’t make you a good person.