It seems the current investigation into police corruption in Victoria has nothing on the problems facing New Delhi. I like the idea of going to South East Asia or even the subcontinent just to see those cute little monkeys that steal your wallet. How can you get mad at something small and furry? We’ve all seen Disney’s Aladdin, right? How cool was Abu?

Well, it seems life with monkeys is getting a whole lot rougher in New Delhi, with gangs marauding the city and terrorising the population. Weekend violence saw one woman seriously injured and a couple dozen people requiring medical attention in what was called a ‘rampage’ by a gang of three or four monkeys. Hold on a minute. How many people are crammed into Delhi? Fourteen million at last count? And you can’t deal with three or four monkeys on a rampage? I can appreciate there are religious significances attached to monkeys in Hinduism, but surely you need to teach a vengeful god some manners from time to time?

I wonder if they have factions, like East-side and West-side? Perhaps they’re trying to move huge quantities of coke/speed and the people are making life difficult? Personally, if I were a monkey with a whole heap of drugs, I’d be trying to sell them to the people… that assumes I am a monkey and that I have a whole heap of drugs to sell, and that I would want to sell drugs. Not that I would because selling drugs is bad. Very bad. I’d rather sell bananas.

While the Delhi Metro train service ‘hired’ a larger monkey to scare off the little ones after a monkey boarded a train and scowled at passengers for three stops (a truly harrowing experience, I’m sure), it has become quite clear, to me at least, how the good people of Delhi can deal with their monkey menace: someone needs to go undercover to sow the seeds of discord. Or perhaps a gang member can be captured and turned under interrogation? If it could work in Goodfellas I see no reason for it not to work here. Regardless, if you happen to find yourself in Delhi on the wrong side of a monkey 4-on-1, check out this guide for dealing with monkey attacks.